Top Ten Seediest Fictional Bars

By Ben Sumner (@benjaminsumner) on March 24th, 2010

Paddy’s Pub

This place is run by a group of alcoholic, unethical underachievers in South Philadelphia. The coolest part is, Danny DeVito is in it!

(fyi, I removed The Crab Shack from My Name Is Earl for this one.)

The Boar’s Nest

The Dukes of Hazzard

The ultimate redneck bar, owned by none other than Boss Hogg himself. It has an emergency exit for when they were moonshinin’. The only cool thing there is that Daisy Duke is a waitress.

Biker Bar

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

If you tick off these guys, you’re only chance out is to dance Tequila!

Bada Bing

The Sopranos

Mob dealings, terrorist plots, prostitution, topless dancers, a boss who beats the crap out of the bartender… what more is there?

BADA BING T-shirt The Sopranos (Adult)

Chalmun’s Cantina (aka Mos Eisley Cantina)

Star Wars Episode IV

You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… than at this bar.

And check it out, you can also buy a part of this place:

Mos Eisley Cantina

Double Deuce

Road House

The cult film Road House stars Patrick Swayze (may he RIP) and Sam Elliott as bouncers at a roadside bar in a small Missouri town.

Moe’s

The Simpsons

Perhaps one of the most depressing places on the planet. Even the bartender here attempts to kill himself after closing time.

NOT: The Drunken Clam in Family Guy because there is little we’ve seen in that bar (other than Glen Quagmire) that makes it truly awful.

The Korova Milkbar

A Clockwork Orange

Milk laced with drugs in a futuristic fantasy with the love of Ludwig Van and the ultra-violence. Killers and rapists hang here. Hell, even if they didn’t hang here, look at the place! You’ve gotta be some kind of freak to go in there.

Merlotte’s

True Blood

The vampires are the least of your worries here. If it’s not the rednecks starting fights, it’s the gay cook beating up the rednecks. Or murders. Yeah, that’s why this place is bad – people keep getting murdered here. But the waitresses are hot.

Honorable mention goes to the Titty Twister – the vampire-infested Mexican bar in From Dusk Till Dawn but that movie wasn’t that good so the seedy vampire bar goes to True Blood.

Blue Oyster Bar

Police Academy

I’m sure some people might actually like this sort of place, but for those that don’t, and you accidentally enter here, you’ll be forced to… I can’t even say it… do this:

Honorable mention: Just about every tavern in every Western ever made. You know, the place where everyone had guns and shots of whiskey.

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Ben Sumner

Contributor at Gunaxin Media LLC

I have an unhealthy obsession with Muppets, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I take out my frustrations on people on the hockey rink using traditional Korean martial arts. I'm prejudiced against hipsters.