Top Ten Foods That Pop
Most people are content to eat food that just sits there on their plate. But at Gunaxin, we like our food to POP! That said, here is an exclusive behind the scenes look at the Gunaxin diet.
Time and time again, we’ll be putting in late hours at the Gunaxin editorial office, and we’ll get hungry. Real hungry! And what are we supposed to do in when that happens? We can’t really break away and go out for food- we have work to do! So we will either send an intern out to get us some grub, or we will order in. Here, to satisfy your curiosity, are the top ten food items consumed in the Gunaxin editorial office. Food that POPS!
The popping-est fast food restaurant ever! That’s really I need to say about it. Love that chicken from Popeyes! Nicey, spicey and not too pricey. I love it!
Shrimp- tiny little fishies. Chicken parts cut up real small. Heartily battered and deep fried in the chef’s own special oil. That’s what I’m talking about. And dipping sauce? Sweet and sour maybe? Or how about barbecue? Oh Hell yeah! Popcorn shrimp, popcorn chicken- that shit’s the bomb!
Snap crackle POP! Rice Krispies. An intoxicatingly simple concept from the good people at Kellogs. Puffed up little pieces of dried out rice that you pour milk over and eat for breakfast? That’s what it is all right. And what you can do with Rice Krispies and marshmallows? You don’t need me to explain what a treat that is. You weren’t born yesterday. You know. Even if you don’t, you do. You know. Yeah. Rice Krispee Treats. Is there anything sweeter? No.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think there is any actual corn in this product, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying it if you’re into eating that sort of thing. It’s yellow like corn, but that’s probably from artificial coloring. Maybe there is corn meal or something similar to corn meal in it, like some kind of faux corn meal. I don’t know much about it, but I bet these cereal manufactures would probably cut corners and use faux corn meal if they could save a buck over using authentic corn meal. Write them a letter and ask them if you’re interested in knowing more. Or have Michael Moore do it. He’ll get to the bottom of it.
Want to know what a good song is? It’s called Corn Grinding Song. That’s the name of it- Corn Grinding Song. It’s really good if you’re into Native American flute music. It’s by R. Carlos Nakai on his Mythic Dreamer record album. Know what the Native Americans called corn? They called it Maze. That’s right, and if the White Man hadn’t of come along and fucked everything up, then maybe today we’d be enjoying a nice bowl of Kellogg’s Maze Pops with organic maze meal for breakfast and not that faux maze meal crap. Damn you, White Man! May you rot and burn in Hell!
Flavorable and cold, a great summer time treat! What exactly is a Popsicle, anyway? It’s not simply frozen flavored water. Oh no, there’s much more to them than that. They have a certain combination of ingredients that make them what they are. And how is this for a fun fact? If you type the word “Popsicle” in Word Perfect, but you spell it with a lowercase P, you will be corrected and told to spell it with a capital P. That’s pretty cool, right? That makes it a proper noun!
There are true Popsicles, and then there are knockoff Popsicles. Know how to tell the difference? You know how sometimes you will take a Popsicle out of the wrapper, and there will be that sticky goo kind of substance sticking to the Popsicle and the wrapper? That is a tell tale sign that what you have is an inferior, fake Popsicle. A genuine Popsicle has a secret ingredient that is known to only three people anywhere that keeps that from happening. An authentic Popsicle will separate from the wrapper clean.
A true Popsicle will have a little more zest than a knockoff one, and you’ll feel, oh I don’t know. What’s the word I’m looking for? You’ll feel … let me put it this way, you’ll feel renewed after eating it. You’ll feel closer to God (however you define God) and you’ll have a sense of oneness with all the creatures of the universe. That’s the power of a Popsicle. And not only that, but if you are a hot chick circa 1970’s America, you and your twin sister can go on The Gong Show and eat a Popsicle in such away that will make the judges uncomfortable.
You cook these in the oven in a muffin tin. But they’re not muffins. They’re not cake. They’re not even bread, not really. They are what they are. Ideally, they will cook up and pop over the side of the muffin tin, and then you can eat them. They taste good with butter and honey. Hey! Here’s a video that explains it all!
Kind of a misnomer, really. Pop Tarts are more sweet than tart, but put them in a toaster, and they WILL pop. That is, unless you put them in a toaster oven, in which case, why bother? There is no excitement to be had that way. You lose that thrill of watching them, saying out loud, “Wait for it… wait for it… wait for it…” then POP!!! But though, I guess you do get the thrill of watching it and saying out loud, “Turning brown… turning brown… turning brown…. okay, I guess it’s done.” But then, maybe you’re one of “Those People” who put their Pop Tarts in a microwave oven, in which case, why are you even on this planet? Are you dead inside? Does nothing excite you?
A carbonated beverage that both rots your teeth and taxes your liver. There is anywhere between four hundred and one million varieties of Soda Pop available all over the world. Inka Cola is one kind. Coke-a-Cola is another. Another one I just thought of is Diet Mountain Dew. I’m sure there’s more. Do a Google search if you want a more comprehensive list. Personally, I prefer a glass of water to any variety of Soda Pop, so I’m not the best person to write about Soda Pop. Why did I even accept this assignment? “Food that Pops?” It just seems silly at this point. How come I never get the good articles about the hot chicks with big boobs? Seriously. How come I didn’t get the Hand Bra gig? I could have written a killer article about hand bras. Hand bras are something I know a lot about. I love hand bras! I seriously need to renegotiate my Gunaxin contract. If I don’t get better things to write about soon, maybe I’ll go try my luck at Cracked.
I just thought of another Soda Pop- Nehi. Do they still make Nehi? They used to have cool commercials back in the day. There was this one commercial where the whole town was being flooded by Nehi Soda Pop. People were running for high ground, and if I remember right, this one kid drowned, but he died happy because he got to die in his favorite Soda Pop- Nehi.
Sweet candy that pops in your mouth! “Crackle! Crackle! Crackle!” That’s the sound of Pop Rocks in your mouth! Another thing you can do is pour them on the floor and step on them. That will drive your fourth grade teacher crazy. It worked for this Gunaxin writer, anyway.
Hey, remember when people were saying that Mikey from the Life Cereal commercial chased down a bag of Pop Rocks with some Coke-a-Cola, exploded his stomach, and died of a brain hemorrhage? Remember that? Do you? It was just a rumor. It never happened. It’s the kind of rumor though that only works if you’re mildly famous. It would never work with a big time celebrity. Like, say, you started something about Ben Stiller dying that way- eating Pop Rocks with Pepsi Zero, causing his liver to implode. All that would happen is, he’d hold a press conference and say, “No I didn’t.” And that would be the end of it. Your credibility would dissipate just like that, and he would go on to produce Tropic Thunder 2 none the worse off for your lame-ass attempt to perpetrate a hoax. But say that some kid from a 70’s TV commercial died like that, and who’s to say he didn’t? I’m still not convinced that it didn’t happen to Mikey. Show me some evidence that he’s still alive. I need proof! Can’t do it, can you? Guess what, people! Mikey from the Life Cereal commercial is dead. He ate some Pop Rocks and his brain exploded. Pay your respects and get on with your life!
It’s corn. It pops. It’s popcorn! Probably the most common food that pops, but at the same time, the most misunderstood. What is really known about this snack food delicacy? Other then that it tastes good with butter and salt, pretty much nothing.
It’s the 21st century. We have put a man on the moon, we have cured the common cold, we can seed clouds to manipulate the weather, we can even give Chlamydia to lab rats with a specially developed cream, but scientists and farmers alike are stymied as to what makes popcorn pop.
Oh sure, they’ve developed all kinds of technologies to actually pop the stuff; there’s microwave popcorn, popcorn poppers, and even stovetop kettles and pots that you pop it in. Hell, you can even use hot air to pop it with for Christ’s sake! But ask any of these people to explain the science behind it and they will just shrug their shoulders with a dumbfounded look on their face and say, “I dunno.”
Be that as it may, though, popcorn tastes good, and it is good for you. It is pretty much the most perfect food, snack or otherwise. Containing nearly every vitamin known to human kind, and more antioxidants then a blender full of blueberries, eat a bowl of popcorn everyday and you’re pretty much guaranteed eternal life. Dig it. Pop it. Eat it.