How to Make French Toast, Even if You’re a Caveman

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Pictured: Food

If you’re a guy and we’re assuming you are… even if you’re not, for our purposes here you’re a guy. You can pick up your temporary testicles at the bar. Go ahead, we’ll wait. It seems that there are still way too many guys out there that simply don’t know how to feed themselves. If you’re one of these guys, we’re going to refer to you as “Oog” from now on. Come on, Cavey, let’s learn to French the hell out of some toast.

Think of this as a public service. We want you to be well fed, well nourished and in the event you wake up one morning with a for-real woman in your bed, you might want to impress her with more than your leftover sausage. Pay attention, Oog. You know what we’re sayin.

It’s easy to make, halfway decent for you and will earn you tons of points with your lady friend. You don’t need tons of fancy ingredients, either. This is one dish you can make with a bare minimum of readily available supplies.

The Grub You’ll Need

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Seriously, we’re sticking with this caveman joke.

Bread – While you can get fancy with your choices, a slightly stale white or wheat bread will do just fine. Why stale? It makes for a firmer toast when you’re finished. Fresher bread will make your French Toast more delicate. Like your feelings, Nancy.

Eggs – Figure on as much as one egg per slice of bread.

Milk – The heavier the better. Whole milk and even heavy cream are best. You can use skim milk, we won’t judge you. (sissy).

Ground cinnamon – EVERYONE has this shit in the cabinet. Most of us don’t even remember buying it. It was probably there from the last tenants before you moved in.

Vanilla extract – This is another one of those things you have laying around somewhere. If you don’t, it’s not the end of the world.

**Khalua or Irish crème liquer** Chances are you have this on hand and it makes for an incredible twist on this old standard breakfast item. Again, it’s not necessary to have it, but it is nice if you do. Why can’t you be nice?  Your Mom is disappointed in you.

How To Do It

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This is a naughty, naughty batter.  Whip it.  Ooooh yeah!

In a large bowl, crack your eggs, and pour your milk in. Don’t beat it up yet, add your spices, vanilla, liquers. There aren’t any hard and fast measurements to go by. Typically, half as much milk by volume as you have eggs. A few generous dashes of cinnamon and a few splashes of flavoring. Now, put your club down, pick up that whisk and beat everything together into a lathery froth. You’re doing just great, Oog.

On the stove, heat a large skillet. Pour some oil in that thing. Butter is typically used, but because it has such a low melting point, it tends to burn. It’s better if you just use a little canola or vegetable oil in the pan. It won’t change the flavor and it will allow you to cook your toast at a higher temperature.

Dunk your bread into your mixture and slap it down in the heated skillet. Cook until brown on one side and flip. Repeat this process and remove to a plate.

Now you can get creative with toppings if you want, or you can go with the old standby method of a pat of butter and some maple syrup. Fresh fruit, whipped cream, jam, jelly, preserves, marmalade, cake frosting, edible body paint, etc. all make fine toppings as well.

Congratulations Oog, you’re now once step closer to becoming a useful member of society.

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