Six Ways People are Ruining Hamburgers
It’s National Hamburger Month, in addition to being ALS Awareness Month, National Bike Month, South Asian Heritage Month, Haitian Heritage Month, Asian Pacific Heritage Month, Asthma Awareness Month, National Pet Month, Celiac Awareness Month, National Guide Dog Month, Jewish American Heritage Month and National Foster Care Month.
Before we go too much further, let us just point out that the Celiac Awareness folks are really slipping in their duties. What the hell is Celiac Awareness? If they worked a little harder at their jobs, we wouldn’t have to ask that question.
Anyway, we’d like to mention that National Burger Month was originally put forth by White Castle, arguably the inventor of the greasy sandwich that we all love and adore. They celebrated on May 1st, for two hours, by offering 25 cent sliders during what they called a “Slider-bration”. If you ask us, Slider-bration sounds like a sports injury.
In honor of National Burger Month, we’ve put together a list of horrible, horrible things people have done to “honor” or “improve” the humble hamburger. These people should be considered extremely anti-burger. Don’t invite them to your next cook out.
Dear God! Hamburger doesn’t need help, it needs to be formed into a quarter pound patty (or larger, of course). That’s all the more you really NEED to do for it. Grill it, slap some cheese, onions and a tomato on it, and place it inside of bread.
Hamburger Helper is to hamburger what Tofurkey is to Turkey. If we ever manage to rid the world of this scourge, we still have some ideas for their mascot.
The Hamburger Themed Bounce House
Is there any more annoying and disrepectful way to show your love of Hamburgers? Letting dirty children climb inside of this culinary marvel and get sweaty, snotty and winded?
And who is this for? The fat kid who loves hamburgers isn’t going to have the energy or desire to climb in and exercise for any amount of time. He’s going to be too busy screaming at his Dad to “hurry up with those burgers already!”
The Hamburger Purse
Let’s assume there’s one woman out there that doesn’t worry about her weight at all. (Rosie O’Donnel doesn’t count). Why in the name of all that is meaty and succulent would a woman want to carry around a bag advertising her love of fast food?
The Hamburger Dress
The dress is nicely knitted. We can only imagine the amount of work that went into crafting this masterpiece. But you will run into the same problem with this item as you would the burger-purse. The only people willing to dress like food are too fat to fit into this size 2 dress.
Well, unless you’re a knockout who’s playing to your Sugar Daddy’s fetishes. You know what? We’re on board with this one after all. That Hamburger Helper Glove is going to come in handy sooner than we thought.
The Hamburger Hat
What ensemble would be complete without a matching hat? This hat is the kind of thing they used to make the mentally deficient wear in the 50’s when our society wasn’t too worried about your feelings. This is how they knew which people to sterilize.
This Goddamn Guy
Of all the horrible things you can do to a hamburger, this guy is the culinary world’s version of Vlad the Impaler. Burgers are easy to make, nearly impossible to ruin, and yet this goddamned clown found a way to ruin them for everyone.
Happy National Burger Month everyone!